Ebene Magazine – The Detroit Lions’ new head coach is obsessed with biting off his kneecap

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Ebene Magazine - The Detroit Lions' new head coach is obsessed with biting off his kneecap

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The Detroit Lions have a new head coach. His name is Dan Campbell and is very excited about the opportunity. In his introductory press conference Thursday, the earlier end of the NFL set out what observers can expect from Dan Campbell’s experience, things like tenacity, civic pride and cannibalism. You know, football stuff.

« This is just what I know as an overall philosophy, » said Campbell. « You’re going to say what this team will be, what it won’t be? I know Detroit is made up of great people, some really good people. The community is strong. This place has been kicked, it has been hit, it has been injured, and I can sit up here and give you coaching speeches all day. I can tell you, “Hey, we’re going to win so many games.” None of this matters and you don’t want to hear it anyway. You’ve had enough of this one Shit. « 

Oh, you wanna » win games « ? Sorry, I don’t understand coach speaking and dropped out of my Duolingo class months ago. What I do know is that Campbell has been accused of rejuvenating a seedy Lions team that was ridiculed under former coach Matt Patricia. In football (unlike in coaching language) this is known as « culture change » and the culture Campbell thinks of is that of 18th century France, particularly that of the Marquis de Sade. Just listen:

Be careful and try to digest this tour de force in one bite. Campbell’s philosophy is extremely complex indeed, and requires careful, line-by-line testing.

This team is being built, um, we’re going to kick your teeth. All right?

Campbell couldn’t be clearer: The Detroit Lions ethos is a karate kick for the Chompers. Tactics and systems come and go, but a cheap shot to the grill is essential.

All of this teeth and smile talk makes you believe Campbell has an oral fixation. You’d be right.

And if you knock us down, we’ll get up. And we’re going to bite off a kneecap on the way up. All right?

Of all the places on a leg to bite, the kneecap is an odd choice. The patella is surrounded by and surrounded by tendons, ligaments, and muscles. In order to « bite off » the patella, as Campbell suggested, you would have to go under the kneecap for leverage. It would be like looking for apples when the apples are bare bone and lashed to the bottom of the tub. I think we know what the Lions will be working on on the first day of training camp.

And we will get up and then take two more shots to knock down. Alright?

Campbell’s plan is to be beaten and a lot to fall. It’s almost like he’s looking for an excuse to be at kneecap level so he can keep biting kneecaps.

And we’ll get up and then it will take three shots to get us down.

Have you ever been to a wedding with a carving station trying to play cool by just taking a few strips so people don’t judge you for loading yourself up with fillet? But then you go back to get more and the carving station is gone and in its place is one of those giant coffee pots? But you don’t want coffee, you want fillet? This is going to happen to Dan Campbell and the kneecaps.

A random piece just isn’t the same thing. Never take the first two kneecaps for granted as there won’t be a third.

The words will soon be a lot of work here. How many beatings did the Lions endure at that time? Five? A dozen? A thousand? Are they only beaten until there are no more legs to eat? Is that why they are the last? That’s actually the one part of Campbell’s speech that makes sense.

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